An Insight on Life

In a big city, a big world, with millions of people, bright lights, and opportunities, it is hard not to get caught up in it all and lose a little of yourself. I have found this to be true with myself. I had a mentality that I can do anything and that I could do a thousand different things and stay sane. Let me just say that is not true. I have been spreading myself too thin and I had a mental breakdown. It is a scary thing when you don't feel in control, when the world around you seems like it is moving20 times faster than you are. It's a frustrating thing when you try to keep your head above water, only to find that you are sinking deeper with every tread of your flailing arms and legs. Maybe this is a little too dramatic (I am a theater kid after all!), but I realized that I was falling. I am tired all the time, I don't have time to just sit and think, I don't have the energy it takes to do everything I have to just to keep up. It took some hard realization and pure emotion to get me to this point. More or less the idea of being too busy floated in and out of my mind. I began reading a book called Running on Empty by Fil Anderson which is about the whole idea of being to busy for your own good. In the book Fil said "I have been ripped apart by the relentlessly  competing demands of my job and my home, wife and children, friends and family who persistently ask for more than I have ever been capable of giving. My hopes for the future have been haunted by the blunders in my past. My desperate longing to get my life right has been dogged by the nagging fear that it will never, ever happen,given the fact that I am hopelessly flawed." This is my favorite paragraph of the whole book because I feel that it was speaking to me. I have been trying to please everyone except the one person that really matters. I have become someone that I am not. I have become an empty shell that just goes with the flow of the day, moving at a snail-like pace when the world around me rushes by, too fast for me to comprehend. I need to take time to just sit and listen. Listen to my heartbeat, music, the birds outside, the wind, to God. I need to take time for myself. Or busyness will be my downfall. Writing this has taken a lot of thought because I wasn't sure how to approach the issue of my lack of PERSON-ality. I knew what I wanted to say, just not how to say it. Now that it is out, I feel better and can start work on myself. Rebuilding that once happy and lively person I was. This won't be easy, but I can say that I will prevail come out on top in the end.