Teenage Years, Grownup Problems

It has been some time since I have last published anything, this due to the fact that I am lazy and I haven't had the time. It is my senior year now (Hell yeah!) and I thought, like every other 17-year-old, that this would be the best year yet, and that I would be living it up every moment I have. But I am currently sitting in a hospital room. Not because I am sick, I couldn't feel any better, but my father is going through tests, scans, and painfully long waits to see if he has Lymphoma (a cancer of the lymphocytes, a type of cell that forms part of the immune system) or if it could be some other form. Now Lymphoma is treatable and can be maintained for the rest of his life, but this whole situation is scary and nerve wracking  and tiresome because the doctors are still not 100% sure what the true cause is. 
To rewind my life back a couple of months, you would understand where I am coming from. My grandmother was also diagnosed with lung cancer and currently going through chemo and radiation treatments. The medicines were working and she was on the up, but we recently found out that she has more polyps that have began to grow in her brain. We knew that the cancer would eventually come back, and we as a family prepared for the worst. However, we never thought it would come back this fast. She has to continue radiation and chemo, but in the hopes that everything will once again subside and she will get back to "normal." Whatever normal is anymore. 
That is a funny concept to me. We often wish for things to "go back to normal" when it feels like our lives are slipping through our fingers; but what is 'normal'? It could be a daily routine one always follows, or getting back to the grind of everyday life. I don't recall a recent time when I could honestly say my life was normal. Normal is for those who know where they want to go, what they want to accomplish, who they want to be; as for me? I have no idea. Ever since I got the call that Granny (my grandmother) was being rushed to the hospital, and that she may have lung cancer, I haven't been normal. I guess I never truly was until I noticed how different I have become. Not to say I am depressed, but I feel like I can't have any affect on anything I try to help fix. It is as if I am invisible and screaming the solution to a problem, but no one can hear. Or they can hear, but just don't want to listen. Maybe that does sound a tad depressing, but how am I supposed to change how I feel? I've tried to mask my anxiety, tried to hide the fact that I am going to shatter at any moment because I have always been the one to look out for my family and be the support that they need in a time or hardship. I like to believe that I was hardwired at birth to look out for others and care for those closest to me, but to be honest, I feel that I became this way because no one else was stepping up to the plate. I felt like a teacher had just asked a question to the whole class, but glares at me because they want me to answer. Once the lesser minds of the class caught on, the entire room was staring me down; reluctantly I rose my hand and became the linchpin that held my crumbling family together. 
I'm in shock. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I want to run away and never look back. I want this to be alright...NORMAL. But it isn't about me. It is about my family, and if I run now, then there will be no hope. I lost hope, faith, and any shred of light left in my spirit to get me through this. There is no one here to ask if I am okay, no one to tell me that everything is going to be alright because life doesn't work that way. I have support, I know that. But until someone saves me from the searing stares of by peers, I am left speechless and raw underneath by tough and "normal" exterior. 

Pointless Projects

As I sit here with my best friend as we both work on projects that are due tomorrow I wonder...is it a good idea to be eating ice cream right before bed? I am always afraid that I will eat something right before I go to sleep, then I will wake up from a terrible dream like they always play out in the movies. I guess that is a really dumb fear, but it'd be scary! Well that takes care of the pointless part of this entry! I really don't have anything else to say though.....uhmmm well I guess that is about it....okay! Well Goodbye all, and to all a good night :)

It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas

Ah! The giving season is finally here again! The shorter days, colder nights, and snow that seems to fall in all the right places! Well here in the mitten, you would expect there to be three feet of snow by now...well it is looking more like a green Christmas is in store for all of us Michiganders. Don't get me wrong, I am loving not having to drive in the snowy mess that is winter, but it would be nice to look outside on Christmas morning to see the ground covered in a thick blanket of fluffy crisp white snow. Let's just say, that it is easier to dream about a white Christmas than to actually get one. But in the end, that is not what Christmas is about. Christmas is a holiday celebrating the beginning of a new life, of new adventures and of new friendships brought together by the cold whip of winter. Sure the presents are nice, and fun for a while, but the everlasting gift of pure satisfaction after really giving during the holidays is the greatest gift of all. I am not going to sit here and type that I am a perfect person, because I am far from it. But I am challenging myself this time of year to give back not only to my family, but to my community. I plan to do anything and everything I can so that another little girl or boy can have the Christmas of a lifetime. Maybe it's not through the perfect gift, but it will be through pure joy and love that they have a great Christmas to remember. At my high school we do a yearly project called Angel Tree. This entails that every SRT and different classes throughout the school 'pick up' one or two children of various ages and donate money to buy them Christmas presents. It hadn't really hit me until today that what we are participating in is more than just another project for the school. I-more or less-put myself in the shoes of these kids and looked under my Christmas tree to find no presents. Now I realize that they aren't wrapped yet-or put under the tree, but it was heartbreaking to see nothing. This is a very real thing for many families, and for hundreds of others, there isn't even a roof over their heads. It is really easy to take advantage of how good you do have it. I am extending a helping hand out to all of you in the hopes that you will challenge yourselves this year as well to give back and make someone's day brighter. A simple 'Hello' is suffice to making someone smile. Please, open your hearts and minds to we as Americans HUMANS getting back to the true idea of Christmas. Selfless Giving, Sheer Humanity, and Hope for a better tomorrow.

An on going struggle

That work on myself that I talked about in my previous post is still getting on its feet. I almost feel like every time I am 'getting better' or finally grasping who I am, something has to come and knock me back in the dirt. I'm not saying that life should be easy and that it is full of rainbows and sunshine, but it would be nice for a break once in a while. I guess that isn't fair to say-but at the same time, it's not an easy thing to sit yourself in front of a mirror and face the "face" looking back at you. Having done this and seen, really seen the person-the "face" that everyone else has to look at, I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I didn't have the strength to help myself and get back to the once happy person I was. It's hard to think that I'm not the same person I was even 6 months ago, but it was bond to catch up to me. I am getting better, I'm not just a mopey and sad person now. I'm just a little lost. Like I'm walking on an unfamiliar trail in the dark to a place I have never been to before. I know a guiding light will come and steer me back on the trail. It just takes time. I have faith in the Lord that he will come to my side and show me the way that I need to go. This place that I've never been to, believe it or not, is the person that I am inside. That person that just wants to come out and be seen. This person loves theater, to cook, sit with the people that mean the most to her, cry every once in a while, read a book, talk on the phone, watch corny movies on the scifi channel, to cuddle, and most of all-this person loves God. I have lost my touch with God. I can see that now, and it is scary. I know it will take time for me to get back with God fully-but I know he is waiting with open arms. I am on the right past, with the light of God to lead me back to myself.

An Insight on Life

In a big city, a big world, with millions of people, bright lights, and opportunities, it is hard not to get caught up in it all and lose a little of yourself. I have found this to be true with myself. I had a mentality that I can do anything and that I could do a thousand different things and stay sane. Let me just say that is not true. I have been spreading myself too thin and I had a mental breakdown. It is a scary thing when you don't feel in control, when the world around you seems like it is moving20 times faster than you are. It's a frustrating thing when you try to keep your head above water, only to find that you are sinking deeper with every tread of your flailing arms and legs. Maybe this is a little too dramatic (I am a theater kid after all!), but I realized that I was falling. I am tired all the time, I don't have time to just sit and think, I don't have the energy it takes to do everything I have to just to keep up. It took some hard realization and pure emotion to get me to this point. More or less the idea of being too busy floated in and out of my mind. I began reading a book called Running on Empty by Fil Anderson which is about the whole idea of being to busy for your own good. In the book Fil said "I have been ripped apart by the relentlessly  competing demands of my job and my home, wife and children, friends and family who persistently ask for more than I have ever been capable of giving. My hopes for the future have been haunted by the blunders in my past. My desperate longing to get my life right has been dogged by the nagging fear that it will never, ever happen,given the fact that I am hopelessly flawed." This is my favorite paragraph of the whole book because I feel that it was speaking to me. I have been trying to please everyone except the one person that really matters. I have become someone that I am not. I have become an empty shell that just goes with the flow of the day, moving at a snail-like pace when the world around me rushes by, too fast for me to comprehend. I need to take time to just sit and listen. Listen to my heartbeat, music, the birds outside, the wind, to God. I need to take time for myself. Or busyness will be my downfall. Writing this has taken a lot of thought because I wasn't sure how to approach the issue of my lack of PERSON-ality. I knew what I wanted to say, just not how to say it. Now that it is out, I feel better and can start work on myself. Rebuilding that once happy and lively person I was. This won't be easy, but I can say that I will prevail come out on top in the end.

I Have a Job!

Okay so I went to apply for a job at Coldstone Creamery with my best friend Carlos Westbrook and we both got hired! I know we are champs! :D

Happy Trails To You

We have all come so far, become so close, done crazy things, shared amazing memories, stories, jokes, laughs, balling fests, cupcake fights, hidden behind open refrigerator doors, gotten dropped off in God knows where, and lived our lives to the very fullest. These are the people that I have grown the closest to. These are the people that I aspire to be. They all may be graduating and I may have another year to go after they have gone, but I know that I will stay in touch with these people for years and years to come. Even though we still have a whole school year to spend together, you will all be sitting at graduation in no time. You will be looking back and realizing how great a ride this all really was! To the class of 2012, I thank you. You are the legends that our school will remember forever! I wish you all the best of luck and Happy Trails to you, until we meet again. Love you all! Thanks so so much!

Peace and Love---SarahBeccaBoo