An on going struggle

That work on myself that I talked about in my previous post is still getting on its feet. I almost feel like every time I am 'getting better' or finally grasping who I am, something has to come and knock me back in the dirt. I'm not saying that life should be easy and that it is full of rainbows and sunshine, but it would be nice for a break once in a while. I guess that isn't fair to say-but at the same time, it's not an easy thing to sit yourself in front of a mirror and face the "face" looking back at you. Having done this and seen, really seen the person-the "face" that everyone else has to look at, I am disappointed in myself. I am disappointed that I didn't have the strength to help myself and get back to the once happy person I was. It's hard to think that I'm not the same person I was even 6 months ago, but it was bond to catch up to me. I am getting better, I'm not just a mopey and sad person now. I'm just a little lost. Like I'm walking on an unfamiliar trail in the dark to a place I have never been to before. I know a guiding light will come and steer me back on the trail. It just takes time. I have faith in the Lord that he will come to my side and show me the way that I need to go. This place that I've never been to, believe it or not, is the person that I am inside. That person that just wants to come out and be seen. This person loves theater, to cook, sit with the people that mean the most to her, cry every once in a while, read a book, talk on the phone, watch corny movies on the scifi channel, to cuddle, and most of all-this person loves God. I have lost my touch with God. I can see that now, and it is scary. I know it will take time for me to get back with God fully-but I know he is waiting with open arms. I am on the right past, with the light of God to lead me back to myself.

An Insight on Life

In a big city, a big world, with millions of people, bright lights, and opportunities, it is hard not to get caught up in it all and lose a little of yourself. I have found this to be true with myself. I had a mentality that I can do anything and that I could do a thousand different things and stay sane. Let me just say that is not true. I have been spreading myself too thin and I had a mental breakdown. It is a scary thing when you don't feel in control, when the world around you seems like it is moving20 times faster than you are. It's a frustrating thing when you try to keep your head above water, only to find that you are sinking deeper with every tread of your flailing arms and legs. Maybe this is a little too dramatic (I am a theater kid after all!), but I realized that I was falling. I am tired all the time, I don't have time to just sit and think, I don't have the energy it takes to do everything I have to just to keep up. It took some hard realization and pure emotion to get me to this point. More or less the idea of being too busy floated in and out of my mind. I began reading a book called Running on Empty by Fil Anderson which is about the whole idea of being to busy for your own good. In the book Fil said "I have been ripped apart by the relentlessly  competing demands of my job and my home, wife and children, friends and family who persistently ask for more than I have ever been capable of giving. My hopes for the future have been haunted by the blunders in my past. My desperate longing to get my life right has been dogged by the nagging fear that it will never, ever happen,given the fact that I am hopelessly flawed." This is my favorite paragraph of the whole book because I feel that it was speaking to me. I have been trying to please everyone except the one person that really matters. I have become someone that I am not. I have become an empty shell that just goes with the flow of the day, moving at a snail-like pace when the world around me rushes by, too fast for me to comprehend. I need to take time to just sit and listen. Listen to my heartbeat, music, the birds outside, the wind, to God. I need to take time for myself. Or busyness will be my downfall. Writing this has taken a lot of thought because I wasn't sure how to approach the issue of my lack of PERSON-ality. I knew what I wanted to say, just not how to say it. Now that it is out, I feel better and can start work on myself. Rebuilding that once happy and lively person I was. This won't be easy, but I can say that I will prevail come out on top in the end.

I Have a Job!

Okay so I went to apply for a job at Coldstone Creamery with my best friend Carlos Westbrook and we both got hired! I know we are champs! :D

Happy Trails To You

We have all come so far, become so close, done crazy things, shared amazing memories, stories, jokes, laughs, balling fests, cupcake fights, hidden behind open refrigerator doors, gotten dropped off in God knows where, and lived our lives to the very fullest. These are the people that I have grown the closest to. These are the people that I aspire to be. They all may be graduating and I may have another year to go after they have gone, but I know that I will stay in touch with these people for years and years to come. Even though we still have a whole school year to spend together, you will all be sitting at graduation in no time. You will be looking back and realizing how great a ride this all really was! To the class of 2012, I thank you. You are the legends that our school will remember forever! I wish you all the best of luck and Happy Trails to you, until we meet again. Love you all! Thanks so so much!

Peace and Love---SarahBeccaBoo

Should have gone rehab.........

It's Been A Long Week

This week my bestest friend Carlos Westbrook left for YoungLife Camp. I was supposed to go, but one thing after another never fell in my favor. I miss that guy! We hang out almost every day all summer, then he leaves for a week and I am BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!! Then he will be back for about three or four days, then he leaves again for WildLife Camp! I leave for Band Camp (Yes I am in marching band and it is the greatest thing in the entire world!) in two weeks while he is at WildLife....We pretty much have three days to hang for about a month. On the bright side though, he does come back on Tuesday so who has two thumbs and is excited to finally see her best friend? THIS GIRL!!!! Well I got some stuff to do (Not really, but I am pretty much just ranting now) and people to see (That is a lie...)! So Peace and Love!

A Key Point In My Life

It occurred to me recently that I am just going through the motions of life. I mean I do go to parties and have fun, but most days I will wake up at noon and then just sit around all day. I need to get out more. I need to see the world while my vision is still good! I need to experience all of what life has to offer! I need to take life by the reigns and seek the true meaning for me. That is essentially what we are all doing right? Going through life trying to find our 'place' or 'duty' in life. Honestly, I don't think that there is this set, magical reason we are all here. I think we are here to co exist and find ourselves. Not what we are supposed to do, or what we think we are supposed to do, but who we are as people. I feel we were put here to find friends, lifelong partners, buddies, and family. Not only this, but to help each other. Be the helping hand to someone in need. Provide the steady ground that may be all someone needs. That to me is the meaning of life.